The Beautiful Amazingly Perfect Sailor Mars in:
Secret Sailor Wars: Battle Moons
We open our scene on the beautiful talented Rei Hino as she sat wearing her white and red miko in the Heidan of the Juban Shinto Shrine. With a blazing fire in front of her she concentrated on reading it by preforming Kuji-Goshin-Ho, making the appropriate hand signs and chanting the nine words of power, “Rin, Pyou, Tou, Sha, Kai, Jin, Retsu, Zai, Zen.”
The flames grew taller and visions flashed before her eyes. She saw Chibiusa trapped in danger with a menacing purple haired woman looming over her. Shocked and disturbed with these images she opened her eyes and said to herself. “Oh no Rini is in danger, I must alert the others.”
An hour later she was standing outside in the shrine grounds as she watched over her underling Yuuichiru as he scrubed the walkways. The shrine was beautiful on the spring day with the cherry blossom trees in full bloom and a cool breeze blew through, but this moment of serenity was interrupted by the loud sound of Yuuichiru singing.
“The time has come to right the wrong with prism power might!” He whaled.
“Stop singing and get back to cleaning the floors. I want this place shining for when Grandpa gets back from his motorcycle racing.” She said, “Also when you are done go back to the Honden and sell Omamori amulets.”
“Ah, but I like that song,” he whined. “I’ve been cleaning for so long that my back is aching and singing helps me ignore the pain.”
“I don’t care! Just stop making noise. My friends should be here any moment and I don’t want you bothering them.”
Rei put one hand over her eyes and gazed off into the distance to see the girls running up to the shrine. First came Minako with her cat Artemis draped over her shoulder. She was one bodacious babe with her sparkling blonde hair, cheerful smile, and gracefulness. Then came Ami, Makato, and Usagi, she’s fat.
“We came as soon as we could. What is wrong?” said Usagi.
“Wait, before you come in the shrine remember to wash your hands and mouth in the Temizu Basin,” said Rei.
“Oh, I’m sorry. I didn’t know.”
“You dunce, you would know this if you read the wikipedia page on Shintoism.”
She watched the girls as they bowed down at the basin to washed their hands and swished water around in their mouths. After finishing Minako smiled and her eye fluttered as she said, “Hi Rei, how are you doing today?”
“Much better now that you are here,” replied Rei.
“What is wrong? Is there danger about?” interrupted Usagi with her big blathering mouth.
“Well I had this premonition while doing a fire reading, because I can totally do that. I am a psychic and can foresee the future.”
From out the bushes they heard a nasally yell, “Not true, fortune telling is not real.”
Out popped Umino with his thick glasses and unkempt hair.
“You are wrong,” Rei yelled back. “Fortune telling is real and super legit and anyone who doesn’t believe in it is a nimbus.”
He ran off in shame leaving the girls to discuss the premonition once again.
“Where was I before I was rudely interrupted? Oh that’s right, Chibiusa is in danger,” said Rei. “Sometime today she will be attacked by purple haired woman.”
“Oh no, we must protect her,” said Ami.
“Usagi, where is she now?” asked Makato.
“She went to get ice cream at Bob Floy’s with Luna,” Usagi answered.
“Then no need to worry, with Luna’s cat reflexes she will be able to protect Rini from any kind of threat,” said Minako.
“Good, in the meantime we can all go shopping and you can all buy me presents,” said Rei.
The girls ran off to the shopping district of Juban. They visited shops such as Jewelry Osa-P and The Lucky Charm House. They showered Rei with many gifts, because she is the greatest and the girls are lucky that she socializes with them.
As the girls walked down the street, they saw a man pull up next to them on a motorcycle. By taking off his helmet he revealed himself to be the twenty something year old cool guy Mamoru Chiba. He was actually more in his late twenty, maybe early thirties. Okay he’s forty-three, but still hip to the scene and a total stud muffin.
“Hey Rei, does the universe revolve around you? Because your gravitational forces are slamming.” He said with a raised eyebrow.
“Oh please, those cheesy pick lines will get you nowhere,” She replied.
“Ha you’re funny. How about we go check out that new virtual reality center across town. I’m sure the two of us could have one hella of a wicked time.”
“As if, I am way out of your league, dweezil.” With her eyes turned away and a flick of her hand she waved him off.
Usagi sheepishly approached Mamoru and worked up the courage to talk to him. “Hey, um maybe I could accompany you to the VR gaming center.”
“Sorry bunhead, I’ve got to bounce, later.” He said as he zoomed off on his motorcycle.
“Arg, darn it he ignored me again!” Usagi stomped her foot on the ground.
“Don’t worry, he’ll come around,” Rei walked over and placed a hand on Usagi’s shoulder. “All you need to do is to live by his standards and pine for his attention and sooner or later he just might validate you. Then you will be a woman worthy of respect.”
“Wow, thanks Rei you always have the best advice on love.” She said suddenly feeling much more confident.
“Hey, look over there.” Ami pointed a finger across the street. All of the girls turned their heads to witness Chibiusa walk into a comic book store across the street with the name Ivory Home Comics.
“That’s the new comic book shop. We should definitely check it out,” stated Minako.
“Yippee! Let’s all go buy comic books!” Usagi squealed with excitement. “I want to get the DC Refresh titles and The All-New All-Different Moonlight Knight.”
“Oh please, super heroes are for babies,” Rei turned her nose up and rolled her eyes. “I only read graphic novels like Transmoonapolitan, Afterlife with Artemis, and Sailor V for Vendetta. Except for X-Men ’92 that is the only superhero comic that I read.”
“Yeah, I love X-Men ’92. That is the best comic book ever written,” Usagi added.
“The writers are so smart and clever. Everyone working on that comic deserves lots of awards,” stated Ami.
“Everyone should read X-Men ‘92. They should also go to the local comic book store and add it to their saver and make sure they order issue two coming out soon,” said Makato.
“Well then we all agree, we should all go to the comic book store and buy the latest issue of X-Men ’92,” said Rei.
The five girls walked to the comic book store. Once inside they looked around, but Chibiusa and Luna where nowhere in sight. All they saw were new release comics on racks on the walls and boxes of back issue in the center of the store.
“Hello girls, can I help you girls find something,” said the raspy voiced store clerk behind the counter. She had long purple her with two cat ear shaped buns on top and a giant gem on her forehead which looked perfectly normal and not suspicious at all.
“Hey, would you happen to have seen a little brat with ugly pink hair come into this store?” Rei asked the woman.
“No can’t say I have,” she answered. “It’s been a slow day. Hardly any customers have come in the store.”
The door to the storage room slightly opened and Luna crept out. She tried to yell to alert the girls, but she was snatched up by Koan before could make any noise. She picked her up and held one hand over Luna’s mouth so she couldn’t speak.
“Oh hey everyone say hello to the store cat, Kitty McMeowers,” said Koan. Luna struggled to wiggle free, but Koan grabbed one of her paws and waved it as if to say hello.
“That cat is super cute!” said Usagi.
“There is something oddly familiar about your cat, lady,” commented Makato.
“Well thank for your help, but we are going to have to keep looking for our friend,” said Rei.
They girls left the store and walked back out onto the sidewalk.
“That is so strange I could have sworn that I saw Chibiusa enter that store,” Ami scratched her head.
“Don’t worry we’ll find her before she falls into any real danger,” said Rei.
“You know that was Luna back in there,” Artemis pointed out the obvious.
“I knew that cat looked familiar,” said Makato. “We have to go back into there and rescue her and Chibiusa.”
“Wait we can’t just go back in through the way we came. We’re gonna have to sneak in through the back door,” stated Rei. “But first let’s all transform.”
She transformed by raising her pen and saying, “Mars star power!” Rings of fire spiraled around her turning her into the soldier of fire and passion Sailor Mars.
Then Minako raised her pen and said, “Venus star power!” She became fully naked, her body illuminated with rainbows, and ribbons of stars encase her transforming her into the soldier of love and beauty which she sure totally fits the bill of.
Next where Ami and Makato. Their transformations where cool, but not as cool as Rei’s and Usagi was lame. She did something with her brooch and feathers appeared, whatever, not important.
With a blast of fire Sailor Mars burned down the back door to the storage room of the comic book store. After running in they found Chibiusa tied up and Koan standing over her wearing her Specter Sisters uniform which is an unfashionable purple tutu.
Sailor Venus used her Venus Love-Me Chain attack to distract the villain so that she can grab Chibiusa and bring her to safety.
Sailor Mars then made her heroic introduction speech, “You have corrupted the honorable job title of comic book sales clerk and robbed children of entertaining stories. For that in the name of Mars I shall punisher you!”
“Ha ha, silly girls,” laughed Koan. “You may think you’ve got me cornered, but I have a few tricks up my sleeve.”
With a bolt of dark energy, she struck a nearby coffee machine and an open box of donuts. The breakfast pastries grew and transform into a monster. The monster was a woman with dark brown skin, a pink dress that resembled frosting with many colorful sprinkles, where her belly was there was a big gaping hole, and her head is shaped to resemble a coffee pitcher with her nose as the spout.
“A donuts and coffee themed monster? That is so lame. Whoever thought that this would be an effective monster is a total loser,” said Sailor Mars.
“Oh yeah well your mother dresses you funny,” said Koan before she threw a smoke bomb on the ground and ran off like a coward.
“Coffee!” shrieked the monster as she sprayed hot coffee at the scouts. All of girls jumped out of the way dodging the attack by inches. Sailor Moon pulled out her Crescent Moon Rod and spun around waving the stick, before calling out, “Moon Princess Halation!”
A bright pink beam fired from the wand and hit the Monster. Despite the theatrics the attack didn’t work. The Monster was not even scratched.
“Donut!” She shrieked as she threw a large donut at Sailor Moon. The donut wrapped around her body binding her arms to her sides. At first she struggled to break free, but then she opened her big mouth and started chomping down on her frosty binds.
“Yummy, I can eat myself free!” Sailor Moon exclaimed.
“Uck Usagi, you can’t solve all of your problems with eating,” said Sailor Mars. “Now stand aside as a real Sailor Guardian attacks.”
She puts her hands together with her index fingers pointed upward. After saying a pray, she opened her eyes and spun around with fire shooting from her finger tips creating a large ring of fire. With intense fury she yelled out, “Burning Mendala!”
Dozen rings of fire assault the Monster vaporize with a blood curdling death scream.
“Hooray, Sailor Mars you’re my hero,” said Chibiusa. “You are the greatest sailor scout. Way more than that lamewad Sailor Moon.”
Everyone turned their heads to see Sailor Moon lying on the ground sniveling, “Oh poo, my giant donut disappeared.”
“Serves you right for your compulsive eating,” said Sailor Mars.
Hours later back at the Juban Shinto Shrine Rei resumed her role as shrine maiden. She watched as her close friend Minako helped her clean by mopping the walk way. She wiggled her butt as she swished the mop back forth. Then she dipped it in the water bucket and rang out the sopping wet mop head with her soft delicate hands.
“Be careful with that mop,” warned Rei. “You don’t want to get that soapy water all over you.”
She walked over to help, but was interrupted by the high pitched laughter of Usagi, who was sitting on a bench nearby reading childish comic books.
“Usagi will you shut up! You are supposed to be helping me clean not slack off and reading feeble minded superhero comics!” Yelled Rei. She pulled out a ribbon and rapped around Usagi’s mouth. She tried to talk, but her words were muffled.
“I should have done this a long time ago and then you wouldn’t have gorge yourself on sugary food,” said Rei.